Parents have been quarreling over the last weekends. Things are like quite out of hand now but i jus couldn't help but pray. My mum is considerate enough as she knew that i'm very busy with my school work and didn't want to bother me with the problem. Since i spend very little time at home, i could hardly have a heart-to-heart talk with my mum (like i usually had). Till when she called me on monday night when i was in school doing my assignments, den i knew they were quarreling. Though i'm on the verge of tearing, i held back the tears and tries to harden my heart about this issue, cuz i know once i let this thing affects me, i'll cry and so will my mum. Sometimes i wonder about the disappointments my mum faces, i shouldn't say that my dad is majority at fault, but i guess he should do something. I should say i understand how my mum feel, but i think she is feeling worse than how i expect it to me. Its hard for them, and it affects me too when i don't have someone right to talk to.

I've spoken to hongyi about this, though i know he is not the right one to talk to, but he is the most available one since i see him almost everyday. And at times, i just need to get these out of me to feel better. As my previous blogs mentioned, i've stopped talking about church. Friends are disappointing me a little too much. I'm not the kind will find fault with tiny little things. If i can, i'll go all out to pick them up or send them back. Even when i'm tired, i'll still try my very best to send all of them back even after a late supper. I do not ask for any appreciation from anyone. A seed planted, i just expect it to grow and bear fruits. Its not for me, but for themselves. Time and time, i've sacrifice. Tell myself that i won't repeat the same mistake for neglecting them in the past. I'm trying but i don't see the growth anymore. I don't want to be taken for granted. Somehow it has come to a point that i don't wish to make too much effort anymore. Because i'm disappointed.

Sometimes we may find our "flaws" showing up at the "wrong time". We got angry with God, do things that displeases Him. Then later when you feel empty and realise nothing gets better after doing all these, you came back to God. And the cycle continues. How can we handle disappointments?

First Step, our heart. Whether you want it to grow hard, be broken or tender. When we face disappointments in life, its you that decides how you want your heart to feel. Sometimes i just harden my heart because i'm angry. I know i'm angry and there is a reason. So i choose to be hard. BUT, i realise when i choose to soften my heart, God can show me a better way. He can put his imprints on the things that irritate or disappoints me.

Second step, mind. How strong is our mind? Are you going to blame God for putting all disappointments in your life? Do you believe and have the faith for the better? Are we willing to trust beyond ourselves? A life of simple trust is a blessed life and it sees beyond any obsticles. Some with weak mind allows the devil to lead you on. Yes there may be disappointments in your life, but does that mean you are going to blame God for these? Do you expect smooth sailing life? If my mind was not strong enough, guess i won't be blogging now already.

Third, the Cross. Finding the road to your destination. Its like a lighthouse in our life. Telling us where to find the road. The road may be far, may seems never ending, may seems so different from God's point of view. Disappointments in life may helps us to recognise the bigger picture of pain and suffering. The love of God shows us that God alone bridges Him to us.

Has God forgotten my love life? I've been facing disappointments here and there. Why is it so difficult for someone to love me as i do. From the very first till the very last, no matter how hard i tried to make the best out of me, i don't get what i wan. Will i continue to serve God if my mind issn't strong? I doubt so. My heart aches the most when i see the one i love most issn't with me through my disappointments. My heart aches when i could not do anything to help. Its painful to even think about it.

God sees when i hide in a corner crying to Him. Only He cherish my tears and holds them so dearly to Him. Yet, what can i offer? I can only smile whenever His name is being mentioned. Because He gave me the name "JOY".