Two days ago, i was looking for an envolope to send a top to my customer. While digging, i saw a stack of cards in the drawer. When i open them one by one, then i realise those were the cards i received on my 21st birthday. Thinking back, it was 2 years ago. As i open them one by one, i smiled. From church friends, to poly friends and even my uni friends. I am no longer close to most of them already. Everyone has changed. Including me. Probably, the only evangelite i really talk to now is joleen. I smiled at the card i received from kelvin and jiahao. Reminds me of those poly days. I smile at the little card joleen wrote to me, reminding me to be back into the ministry and serve God together with her once again. Yet, till when i read the last card, my heart ache. I have forgotten that i did received a card from him. Reading the familiar handwritting, the familiar style of expressing himself and the usual sign off with his self-owned "W".

Yes i may feel pain because of the fact that i'm no longer the one in his heart. Its even more painful to think that he is no longer serving God. I tried so hard to forget everything, its not an easy task. I guess this scar will always be there. I've learned alot. Many mistakes i've done and time and time again i allow things to happen.

I'll not make the first move. I will not ask "are we meeting?" just to remind you we are. I will not keep initiating the conversation or sms. I will not initiate to ask you out even if its convenient. I will not send another sms if the 1st one was not replied. I will not call if you said you will return my call when u didn't.

I think i need to protect myself and not let all these mistakes repeat themselves. I will be careful. This year, i'm 23. I blame no one. I understand the nature of human beings. I'm big enough to think. I will not let any guy bother me so much till i couldn't even think properly, couldn't even eat properly, couldn't even smile properly. Too many examples out there for me to learn.

I can be so angry and pissed off my good friend being emotionally unstable because of someone. Yet, i myself allow all those things to happen in the past. Knowing exactly things won't be the same again even if we get back together, yet i don't bear to call it to an end. I don't know if all these are what it is suppose to be.. But i'll still continue to live my life to the fullest. Not because of anybody, but because of me.

My trip to taiwan is confirmed. This getaway probably will be a good rest for me after my exams. It is longer than i've expected, but i'm glad i've decided to go. Have been looking for jobs now. Though i still have another semester next year, but hopefully i could get a job soon. I don't wish to burden my family any further. May God sees and guide me.

* j o y left her prints @ 3:56 AM